TOP COMPOSITION – 2007

TOP COMPOSITION – 2007(Awarded 37 marks)

As soon as the bell for break rang, I rushed out of the classroom to look for my friends. I was eager to tell them the story.

A NARROW ESCAPE

As soon as the bell for break rang, I rushed out of the classroom to look for my friends. I was eager to tell them the story. I easily found them treating themselves to bottles of soda at the canteen. Breathlessly. I started to tell them the story. Once I was done most of them were laughing their heads off until their sides ached. Karanja, one of my friends, after laughing started to mock me. “You say you saw a monster? You must have bats in your belfry!”

My efforts to make my friends believe it proved futile. But I was utterly sure of what I saw. A large red monster was looking at me. I was able to catch a glimpse of the queer thing as I was hanging the clothes on the line. All of a sudden, their was a growling sound coming from beyond the fence. I timidly as a hare peered over the fence but was only lucky enough to see it disappear behind a wall.

The hours of the day passed by quickly and before anyone could say Jack Robinson, the sun was sending its last rays of golden light across the fence of the earth. I walked home with my friends continuing to ridicule my story. I sadly hung my head. I wished that there would be some way to prove to them. My friends started growling in a bid to mock the monster’s sound. They then started calling out for the monster. Suddenly, the surrounding bushes started to rustle. At first it was unnoticeable, but soon it was evident that there was something in the bushes, and it coming closer. We all huddled together in the middle of the path, while wobbling like jelly. Suddenly Karanja yelled out. “Help! I’m being pulled by something. Our efforts to save Karanja was fruitless. In a last gasp of fear, he sunk into the leaves.

We were all trying to be lion hearted, but who were we fooling when we trembled like chameleons on frails twigs? We were hindered from showing a clean pair of heels as Karanja’s life was probably at stake. I prayed to the omnipotent to save us, remembering the adage that goes “God helps those who help themselves.” Just then, pitiful cries for help were heard. It was Karanja’s voice! Absent – mindedly, I made for the source of the sound. I could hear heavy footsteps following me. Thinking it was my friends, I turned round, only to see a humongous red figure chasing after me. It was the monster from before! I quickened my pace, still following Karanja’s faint voice. Up ahead, the land was cleared of bushes. I was sure that I would be faster running there. But I was unable to enjoy it, for I tripped over a root jutted out of the ground. I fell onto the bushes in such a way that I was looking upwards. Low growling sounds of victory were coming closer to me. The monster’s face, which I was seeing for the first time was one only a mother could love. Several spikes jutted out of its wrinkled face. Its coffee brown teeth were exposed as it bared its fangs at me. Tears of despondency cascaded down my visage. This was truly the end. Just then, I passed out.

When I came to, I found myself fettered to a cold metallic chair in a pitch black room. I could tell someone else was there, for there were groaning sound coming from beside me. Just then, a door was opened and light leaked in. I was now able to realize Karanja beside me fettered to a chair as well. A man walked into the room. He was wearing a red costume. In his hands was a mask that seemed very familiar. The man had a smile of malice spread across his face that exposed his yellow teeth. “I am your monster,” he started, “It is too bad you won’t live to see me wear it again.” And with that, he brandished a large knife from a sheath strapped onto his belt. “I am a criminal mastermind and my life has prospered from since I became a pick pocket and grew to my present status. But of late, you have been talking about my costume, which I use to scare people away and steal their goods without shedding blood. Police have most recently gotten wind of this and have started searching high and low for me. A police car was following you since you got out of school and are bound to find me here. But before I am put behind bars, I must rid this world of you two. “He proceeded to lash out his knife. He missed me by only a hair’s breadth to get my heart palpitating erratically. He slashed Karanja in the chest and was about to turn on me, when two bullets tore through his skull.

MERITS

Other merits of the composition are

1.The candidate is able to translate the given input (beginning of a composition) to the personal account in a super way.The candidate does not only connect the beginning of the story given to the story narrated smoothly but also leave the reader in suspense until the end when a sigh of relief is experienced. This is effectively by creating delay or rather bypass of the story, making the reader develop curiosity.

2.The candidate creates a flashback style which is not only noteworthy but quite unexpected.

3.There are twists and turns in the story that create enjoyment in the story.

4.There is also good useof

(a)Vocabulary

(b)Idioms

(c)Well constructedsentences

Please note some of such examples that are underlined.

DEMERITS

Some of the errors have been bolded to make it easy for them to be identified.

These error include

5.Construction errors

6.“I timidly as a hare………”

7.“…….the first time, was one only………”

8.“……..in a last gasp of fear.”

9.There was misuse of phrases such as “ mock the monsters’ sound”mimickwould have done better than mock. We sa“pitch dark” and not “pitch black”.“missed byonly a hair breath” instead of “missed by a whisker”


Last modified: Thursday, 25 June 2015, 11:35 PM